At Roseland Psychotherapy Associates, we understand that navigating the journey of separation and divorce brings unique challenges, especially for parents who want the best for their children. The question, “What can I do to ensure the best for my children?” resonates deeply with many. Prioritizing your children’s well-being during this transition is crucial, and your approach can profoundly shape their experience.
A New Perspective on Divorce and Children
For years, society has debated the impact of divorce on children. Earlier studies suggested that children of divorce faced lifelong challenges, but more recent research reveals a nuanced reality. While divorce can increase certain risks, most children show resilience and only a tiny percentage face long-term difficulties. With many children experiencing parental separation by age 16, finding effective ways to support families through this transition is essential.
The Three Pillars: Coping, Conflict, and Connection
Research highlights three areas that significantly influence children’s outcomes during divorce: coping, conflict, and connection. Focusing on these pillars can help mitigate potential adverse effects on children.
Coping
Helping children develop strong coping skills is critical. Teaching adaptive strategies can provide a buffer against stress and empower children to handle challenges that arise from divorce.
What Does This Look Like?
- Model: Show your children healthy emotional regulation. For example, “I’m feeling stressed right now, so I’m going to take some deep breaths to calm myself before making a decision.”
- Label & Validate: Acknowledge and validate your child’s emotions to help them understand and accept their feelings. Say things like, “I can see you’re feeling scared. That makes sense.”
- Coach: Encourage children to find what helps them cope. Suggest ideas like, “I wonder if listening to your favorite song would help you feel better.”
- “Not My Job” Exercise: Teach your child to differentiate between problems they can and cannot control. Help them categorize issues as “My Job” or “Not My Job,” praising them for using this skill.
Conflict
The nature of parental conflict—whether overt or subtle—can significantly impact children’s well-being. Reducing conflict and keeping children out of adult disagreements can protect them from added stress.
What Does This Look Like?
- Pre-plan Parental Interactions: Discuss sensitive topics away from children and avoid involving them in contentious matters.
- Direct Communication Only: Communicate directly with your co-parent, not through your children. Apps designed for co-parenting can help facilitate clear, neutral communication.
- Avoid Subtle Conflict: Refrain from questions that may imply criticism of the other parent, as this can make children feel they need to pick sides.
- Age-Appropriate Information: Limit what you share about the divorce, focusing on upcoming changes rather than placing blame. For example, “Changes are happening, and I’ll keep you informed about what’s important.”
- Reassure: Remind children that the divorce is not their fault, providing clear reassurance.
- Set Boundaries with Your Emotions: Don’t use your children as confidants. Instead, seek support from friends or a therapist.
- Alert Your Support System: Ask friends and family not to speak negatively about your co-parent within earshot of the kids.
- Encourage Loving Both Parents: Allow your children to love both parents, no matter your personal feelings.
Connection
Maintaining strong, warm, and open relationships with your children is essential. This includes being present, showing affection, and providing a safe space for them to express their feelings.
What Does This Look Like?
- Be a Safety Net: Let your child know they can come to you with anything. “The changes in our family can be tough, but I’m here whenever you want to talk.”
- Listen Fully: Give them your undivided attention. If you’re busy, let them know you want to listen fully and suggest a better time.
- Encourage Communication: Use open-ended questions and verbal cues to encourage your children to share their thoughts.
- Validate Emotions: Let your children know all feelings are acceptable. Statements like, “Whatever you’re feeling is okay,” can be comforting.
- Maintain Structure: Consistent routines provide stability, so maintain predictable schedules and house rules.
- Family Hour: To strengthen family connections, schedule a weekly “family hour” for bonding activities, such as a game night or picnic.
- Reinforce Positive Behavior: Recognize and praise your child’s positive behaviors to boost self-esteem and reinforce resilience.
Take-Home Message
As a parent, you hold the power to create a supportive environment for your children. At Roseland Psychotherapy Associates, we believe in the strength of the family unit and are here to support you through this journey. By focusing on coping, conflict, and connection, you can help your children build resilience and navigate this transition with confidence and compassion. Please contact us to discuss how we can help you and your family.